Intoxicated Summers
by strayphoenix
Summary: You know the world is coming to an end when Scott Summers gets drunk. oneshot.


You know the world is coming to an end when 1) X-men are actually mine, 2) Emma Frost becomes a nun, and 3) when Scott Summers gets drunk. One shot.

* * *

"I wonder where Jean and Scott are" Kitty said offhandedly to Logan who sat across from her at the kitchen table.

"They said something about a frat party at Jean's college" Kurt responded. Aside Logan, Kitty, and he, Tabitha, Bobby, and Rogue were also up at this late hour.

Rogue snorted.

"Yeah right. Ah can just image Shades in a toga get'n drunk"

They all laughed at that, even the Logan.

"The very image is hilarious" Tabby said.

"Besides, not that it would ever happen, but if the situation arose, I'm sure Jeannie would keep him in line"

After finishing his bout of laughter, Kurt dried his eyes and said, "Well, that's what Jean told me. Some alpha-delta-omega-something-or-other frat party"

"I wonder what he'd do and say if he _was_ drunk. Do you think he'd get in bed with someone?"

"Tabby!" Bobby said in a fake scolding tone, "Even a drunk Scott Summers would rather stick himself with hot pokers rather than ruin his rep as a perfect boy scout"

"Thank God for that" murmured Logan.

Just then, they heard the front door open and two voices floated in.

"Je-an!-I-want-more!"

"No Scott! You are never touching another alcoholic beverage as long as I'm alive!"

"How-old-are-you-now?"

"Scott!"

They walked into the kitchen and Jean stopped dead. She was holding up Scott by the waist and he had an arm over her shoulders. Her face colored in a flash; she hadn't expected to see so many people up at this hour.

"Hi, guys" she said nervously.

"HEL-LO MY PEOPLES!" Scott shouted.

"Shut up!" Jean scolded him.

"You're-such-a-party-pooper" he said, slurring his words together.

The others looked at each other and broke into a fit of laughter, the loudest of them all being Logan. Scott began laughing with them as well (even though he had no idea why) and Jean simply rolled her eyes.

When they had all regained their composures, Scott asked "What's-so-funny?"

That broke them down again and they were all practically rolling on the floor.

"Alright, alright, fun's over. You are going to bed" Jean said as she began leading Scott out of the kitchen.

"No-way!-The-night-is-still-so-young-and-ripe!-I-can-hear-the-birdies-singing-and-the-trees-growing-and-the-puppies-doing-puppy-things!"

He moved apart from Jean and began spinning in circles. Again more laughter.

"Hey, Scott!" Tabby shouted at him.

He stopped spinning and dropped to his knees, looking in her direction with glazed eyes behind red glasses.

"Mmmm?"

"I bet you'd answer anything I asked you right now, wouldn't you?"

"Nope!" he said, slightly swaying. "I'm-a-locked-book!" He made the motion of zippering his lips.

"Where do you keep your diary?"

"Jean's-underwear-drawer" he said lazily.

"Thanks" Tabby shouted as she headed out the kitchen and up the stairs.

"Any-time!"

Jean slapped her forehead. Logan glared at her.

"You're underwear drawer?" he asked her suggestively.

She allowed herself a nervous smile.

"I-I have no idea what he's talking about"

"WHOOPEE!" Scott shouted and he resumed his spinning.

"All right, that's it. You are going to bed mister" Jean said as she grabbed one of his wrists.

Scott stopped spinning, picked up Jean bridal style and swung her around. She let out a little shriek that was cut off when he pressed his lips to her and passionately kissed her.

At first she tried to fight him off; a sober Scott and Jean were never into public displays of affection. But the way that he kissed her with such ferocity made her skin tingle so she kissed him back while the onlookers stared in amazement.

_Mmmm…maybe I **should **let him get drunk more often…_

"I don't think that would be a wise decision, Jean"

Jean broke the kiss to stare along with everyone at the Professor who had just entered the room.

"Professor!" Jean exclaimed.

"Charlie!-Ya-made-it!" exclaimed Scott. He dropped Jean on her ass and went over to meet the Professor.

Jean rubbed her back side and muttered, "…as long as I'm alive…"

Scott got on his knees and hugged the professor.

"You-have-a-very-shiny-head" he said lovingly.

"Thanks you, Scott…I guess…Logan, what's going on?" the professor asked.

"Scott went to this frat party with me and got drunk" Jean said as she picked herself up of the floor.

"How did that happen?"

"Yeah" chimed in Kitty and Bobby. "How **did** that happen?"

"Lots-and-lots-of-bubbles!"

"Scott, shut up. Well, you see, neither of us planned on drinking anything when we first got there. But Duncan was there and he sort of dared Scott…"

"To a drinking match?" finished Rogue for her.

"Yeah" she said, surprised that Rogue knew.

"Who won?" asked Kurt.

"La-Cucaracha!-La-Cucaracha!-Ya-no-puede-caminar!" (1)

"Scott, don't make me tell you again to shut up!" Jean scolded while the others chuckled.

The question was repeated. "Who won?"

"Believe it or not, Scott did. Maybe it's his mutation or something but he won. And he's been like this since we got in the car"

"I see" said the professor.

At that Scott got up and began singing at the top of his lungs.

"OH-I-WISH-I-WERE-AN-OSCAR-MYER-WEINER!-THEN-EVERY-ONE-WOULD—OW!"

Scott was cut off as Jean smacked him on the chest. Scott's lower lip trembled. He went and hugged the professor again.

"She-hit-me!" he wined to the professor. Even the professor laughed at that.

Just then Tabby came running down the stairs.

"I got it! I got it!"

"Got-what?" Scott asked her.

She held the diary up triumphantly and Scott immediately recognized it.

"Give-it-back!" he shouted as he began chasing after Tabitha. Tabitha just laughed and kept running around the kitchen while the others laughed in amusement. The professor, not knowing what it was, found it humorous as well.

Suddenly, when rounding the table for the fourth time, he stopped suddenly and clutched his stomach.

"Jeannie" he said in a small voice, "I-don't-feel-so-good-anymore"

_Finally_ Jean thought in relief.

"All right, time to meet your new best friend for the rest of the night. He's called the second-floor-boy's toilet"

"Is-he-nice?" he asked as Jean led him out of the kitchen that was howling with laughter.

"Oh my gosh! Tabby, what did find out in his diary?" Kitty asked excitedly.

"Well…for one thing, Scott's scared of chickens"

"Where'd that come from?" asked a surprised Logan.

Tabby opened the diary and skimmed through the pages.

"Petting Zoo. Age 8"

They gathered X-Men laughed.

"What else?" asked an eager Bobby.

Tabby's eyes skimmed through the pages. Then they stopped and got wide.

"Holy God-zilla! He's done it!"

"Done what?"

Tabitha looked at Rogue.

"**_It_**" she said with emphasis.

Logan jumped up and popped the claws on one hand.

"I'm Gonna Kill Him!"

Tabitha spoke up quickly.

"No, Logan! Not the 'sex' it. The 'sneak-out-in-the-middle-of-the-night-to-visit-your-girlfriend' it"

"Oh" he said calmly. Then he popped the claws on his other hand.

"I'm Gonna Kill Him More!"

And with that he stalked out of the room, leaving the others torn between fear and amusement.

"But that's not even the best part" she said slyly. "Scott's only has his left nut. He lost the other one on a mission with Jean a few years back"

"Scott's got only one testicle?" Kurt asked, surprised.

"Ya'd think ya'd be able to notice when he was in uniform, wouldn't ya?" said Rogue.

"I know" Tabby said. Then she broke into a grin. "Hey, I just realized, we have blackmail on Summers!"

The rest of the students gathered there also broke into grins.

"We won't ever have to do a morning training session again!" exclaimed Kitty.

"Or homework!" exclaimed Bobby.

"Or not" said the Professor. They all turned to look at him, having forgotten he was there.

"I trust that all of you will keep this to yourselves seeing that is what you'd want to happen were you in Scott's position"

They all sighed their understanding.

"Now, I suggest you all head back to bed. And give me that" he said indicating to the diary.

Tabby reluctantly handed it over and they all headed out of the kitchen.

The professor let out a heavy sigh.

"Oh boy"

->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->-

Things went pretty normal the next morning. The students ate breakfast, watched TV, had coffee, finished up last-minute homework

…spread rumors…

"No way! Roberto heard them? How could he…"

"…got completely drunk. Started talking about…"

"…got in bed with Jean! Can you believe it? And they didn't…"

"…Jubes heard from Bobby. Claims he was there…"

"…my stars and garters! Poor boy…"

"…chickens! And camels too according to…"

"…with every stripper in Bayville!"

"No I don't know what the term is for having only one testicle…"

"…fresh meat for Wolverine with the sneaking out…"

Just then Jean came down the stairs holding up a completely hung-over Scott. The kitchen became pin-drop silent.

"Morning" muttered Scott.

There was a collective sound of different greetings.

Jean sighed, already knowing that the word had gotten out.

She gently eased Scott into a chair and took a seat next to him. There was a murmur of voices from the students and staff.

Jean decided to get it over with. She cleared her throat and stood up. The kitchen seemed to have gotten quieter than it already was.

"OK. Now I know that some rumors have been spread about an incident that happened last night. First off, there was no sex involved"

There was a murmur and the sound of someone distinctly saying "liar!"

"Second of all, yes, Scott did get drunk and yes, he did make some stupid somments that could be heard on the second floor"

"I don't remember any of that" he murmured.

"It happened" she told him.

Another murmur and the exchange of money being betted.

"And third of all, any information that was heard will not be repeated in school. Got it?"

"WHERE IS HE?" came the yell from the door.

"Oh, HELL, no" grumbled Scott and he tried to stand up quickly. "Can't this wait until I'm not hung-over?"

Jean helped him up and quickly directed him to the back door of the kitchen.

"Babe…" she took a breath, "you better run like the wind or you will be left-over instead of hung-over"

Scott smiled and gave her a kiss.

"So when's the next party?"

Jean gave him a shove out the door though she was smiling to herself.

She turned back around to the students who were all laughing.

"Yeah, yeah, let's see all of you when you get intoxicated"

The laughter stopped instantly.

* * *

(1) The song is "la cucaracha" for those who don't know. It's in Spanish and the translation for the part I wrote is "The cockroach! The cockroach! It can't walk any more!"

* * *

Hope it was as fun to read as it was for me to write. 


End file.
